Emotions

For years I have thought about what it would be like to have a child.  To look into their little eyes, to see the look on my mother's face when she finds out I am having a baby, to see the ones I love the most meet and love this little child of mine.  I would think about how I want to be as a mother - present, kind, patient, empathetic, joyful, and loving.  Productive, but slow and gentle.  Honest in an encouraging way that also validates their feelings.  I would think about how I would respond to my child the first time they get their feelings hurt by another kid at school.  Or when they draw a picture or do a trick that they are anxiously waiting to show me.  Or even how I will approach the harder topics of drinking, drugs, and sex.  As I am still pretty young, I would think of myself and people I had seen growing up and wonder, "what actually works?" "What was I told while growing up that shaped me?" "What could I have been told then that would have meant something to me?" 

These were actually all fun fantasies to me.  Raising a child and equipping them to go be a little light in the world.  To know their worth in Jesus and pursue their dreams.  

Then I saw the positive pregnancy test.  

I always thought that this would be a moment full of gratitude and joy and probably tears.  But, I felt shocked.  I was of course excited, but also terrified.  Grateful, but also doubtful of my readiness to become a mother.  Happy, but sad to think of all of the ways my life and body would soon change.  

The next few months (first trimester) were of course full of fatigue and nausea and most days just trying to get by and wondering if there really was a little baby(?) in there... 

At around week 15 or so, I felt like I had a breath of fresh air.  I had more energy and was so thankful for it!  But this "down" feeling kept coming over me from time to time.  Sometimes I would say its because of my body changing.  Or hormones.  But one morning, I finally figured it out.

As I worked out in the garage, I realized the fear that was playing out in my mind that I really had not noticed.  Whenever I felt the emotion - sad, overwhelmed, discouraged, I didn't really know why.. But that's when the revelation came to me... I was running narratives in my head that all stemmed from fear.  Fear of not being a good mom.  Fear of her not liking me.  Fear of how I will respond when she likes a boy or gets picked on in school or goes through anything uncomfortable or painful.  

I have been happy and excited about my baby girl.  I am looking forward to holding her and playing with her hair and getting to see my husband be the best dad ever.  But, I have also been afraid of all of the unknowns.  

I have been reading a book about emotions and so far, the author has talked a lot about allowing yourself to feel the emotions you feel.  Which I agree with, but I had been struggling with the question of where to draw the line between dwelling and choosing to refocus.  How long do we sit with negative emotions? And outside of taking them to God, what do we do with them?

As I realized that many of my thoughts had been rooted in fear, I thought of 2 Corinthians 7:10, "Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death."

When we feel pain or sadness or anger or grief that will lead us to repentance and change within ourselves, these can be good emotions.  Even though they don't feel good, they can be used to create change within us or give us the passion and motivation to make a change in the world.  Or they can help us heal.

However, shame, guilt, fear, anxiety, and longing for control are not from God.  They are from the enemy and just our knowledge of how evil this world can be and how little control we actually have.

With any and all emotion, no matter the root, we can and should take it to God as He can handle anything and work good through everything.  However, knowing if your emotion is godly or not, I believe helps us figure out what to do next.

I thought to myself, "we take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ" (2 Corinthians 10:5).

If I spend most of my day feeding Satan's lies and fear tactics about what my life could be like as a mother, then spend 30 minutes in the morning and maybe a few times through the day saying, "Lord, please help me not to feel down and discouraged and unmotivated.", what do I think He is saying back to me?

I think He wants me to know that I don't have to feel that way.  Because He will give me the strength and wisdom to be the mother I need to be.  I think He is telling me to trust Him and not fear.  I think He is telling me that He loves me and has a plan for me.

Actually, He says so in His word.

I have heard Ed Mylett say before that the quality of our lives is a result of the quality of our emotions.  And I think we all know that our thoughts precede our emotions.

I realized that feeling our feelings is definitely necessary, but we need to be ready to do the work of figuring out what thoughts are causing the feelings.  If those thoughts are godly because you know you can be a better person than you are being or you know that you have hurt someone, then do the work and allow the emotions to humble your heart and change you.  If you have been hurt, cry out to God and let Him comfort you.

BUT if the thoughts are from the devil, it is best to turn to the truth and decide to enjoy the blessings all around you, free from worry.

I also realized that as I clung to fear, it created somewhat of a barrier between me and God.  

It is impossible to trust someone all while being afraid of them letting you down at the same time... you either trust them or you don't.  And it's the same with God.  When we choose to fear or worry, we are not really trusting that God is who He says He is.  As I took a walk, I thought about how hard it is to really give it to God sometimes.  We think that by playing out all of the scenarios, we can maybe prepare ourselves.  But truthfully, we can't.  And sometimes the harder we try, once it's all said and done, the things that were the hardest to get through are the things we never even saw coming.  

I prayed for God to help me trust Him.  And I told myself that I am going to trust, because I know that God is faithful and that He is my rock. 

I have felt so much peace since I realized the thoughts that I was listening to and the power I was giving fear.  I don't want to be afraid, as this will not help me at all.  Instead, I want to be joyful and thankful and cling to God as I know He is the one that will guide me through the tough times when they come.

I hope that you can find the root of any negative emotions you are feeling, be honest, take them to God, and feel His peace that surpasses all understanding as well.