Hope

I had my right front tooth extracted this week. 

We all know how it feels to be insecure; and that thing you are insecure about shines every time you look at yourself.  In your mind, it is highlighted, loud, on display and kinda makes you feel like a clown.  

This week has been full of smoothies, medicine, rest, boredom, and a super swollen upper lip.  Solely intent on healing, the reality of the fact that I will be missing a front tooth for 6 months had yet to set in.  Until yesterday when I finally had some energy and a close enough to normal looking lip to go out in public.  I did my hair, put on some makeup, and was ready for the day!  I grabbed the essix retainer with a filled in little tooth and went to place it in my mouth. Unfortunately, it did not fit.  And although the filling was only halfway between my teeth, I could tell it looked horrible.  Tears began to stream down my face as I looked in the mirror at the gaping hole in my smile as I realized that this was going to be my life for the next 6 months.  

My mother-in-law was passing by the house and happened to call me at that time.  I told her what was going on and she graciously gave up her plans for the day to take me to the periodontist's office. After visiting two of the locations and having the essix remade 5 times, I finally had one that fit!  Great!  Then I looked in the mirror.  From my somewhat emotional viewpoint after having those retainers shoved and pulled out of my sore mouth several times, the filling was HUGE, dark, and much longer than my tooth beside it.  I was upset.  Visions of traveling and meeting with people with this horrid thing in my mouth haunted my thoughts.  I was feeling so sorry for myself.  So insecure.  So alone and misunderstood.  Wondering why it has to be like this.

When my husband got home that afternoon, he hugged me and said how sorry he was that I am going through this but reminded me that he is proud of me.  And he said, "Lean on God and trust Him". 

As I sat facing the wall with tears in my eyes, I remember a family friend of mine talking about her mindset when she found out her 20-year-old daughter had cancer.  A very rare cancer with a devastatingly low survival rate.  She said, "things can either make you bitter or better".  She clung to this mentality, her faith in God, and trust that He can do anything.  

Her daughter beat cancer and is getting married this May.  Praise the Lord.

Bitter or better?

Okay, but how do I get better while missing a front tooth?  

How do you get better when finding out you have cancer and fighting an unclear battle through tests, procedures, and surgeries?

How can challenges make us better?

"Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." Romans 5:3-5

When we suffer, we need God.  Our soul longs for something to help us pick up and carry on.  We are faced with the reality that we are not perfect and we have no control.  Then God gives us a way to persevere, He produces character in us, and through His love and faithfulness, we find hope.

Bitter or better?

I said a little prayer, fixed my eyes on Jesus, popped my essix in, gave my husband a hug and said, "let's go over to my parents' house".

Better.  I choose to give this to God and let Him use it to make me better.  I can be confident in Him, not in how my teeth look.

We were inside taking turns playing music, when my dad asked if we had heard Toby Keith's performance of "Don't Let the Old Man In".  The song is about refusing to adopt the mindset of becoming older, rather continuing to live.  His performance is very touching, an encouragement to make the most of your life and really live each day.  

Toby Keith passed away last week after battling stomach cancer.  We then began playing nostalgic hits as a tribute to the great country musician.  As "How Do You Like Me Now?!" blared through the speaker in the kitchen, I watched my dad and Nathan dancing around as we all mouthed the words with major attitude and right then and there I realized that joy is still here.  As I carefully chewed my small bites of food with sore gums, I couldn't stop smiling.  I was overcome with gratitude.  For my dad, for Nathan, for Toby Keith, for my health.  For the fact that I still have breath in my lungs and joy in my heart, with or without a tooth.

"Blessed Assurance" sang by Alan Jackson was one of the last songs we played last night.

"Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine!
O what a foretaste of glory divine!
Heir of salvation, purchase of God
Born of His Spirit, washed in His blood

This is my story, this is my song
Praising my Savior all the day long
This is my story, this is my song
Praising my Savior all the day long
.....
Perfect submission, all is at rest
I in my Savior am happy and blest
Watching and waiting, looking above
Filled with His goodness, lost in His love"

This is how I want to live my life.  None of us know how much of it we have left.  I don't want to live tossed about by insecurities and sufferings.  Instead, I will lean into God, "watching, waiting, looking above.  Filled with His goodness, lost in His love".

In reality, the essix retainer with a filled in tooth is really not that bad.  It is certainly not perfect.  It is not very comfortable, and I cannot eat with it in.  But, it is better than nothing at all and there are other options I can look into.  Also, it is only temporary, as most of our storms are.

The way my husband's eyes light up as he smiles with adoration and genuinely says, "you are so cute" when I smile in between bites of food without the essix in, the hole in the middle of my smile on full display, reassures me that there is still good while in the not-so-good.  

That there is still happiness in the discomfort.

That I am still beautiful even when I don't feel beautiful.

That I can be confident in who He made me to be, even when I don't feel so confident.

I know He can use this for good.  I know He can use this to make me better.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28