I Qualified for the U.S. Women's Mid-Amateur!
Yesterday I was the medalist at the U.S. Women's Mid-Amateur Qualifier in Lexington, SC with a score of 75.
Last year, I was about 10 weeks pregnant when I played in this qualifier for the first time. I was hot, nauseous, exhausted, and unprepared. I had not played in a golf tournament outside of club championships in 5 years. When I walked onto the first tee, the nerves I had forgotten about came back with full force. My parents were watching, my in-laws were watching, my husband was caddying, and there I was feeling awful and putting pressure on myself to not disappoint them or myself. As I'm sure you are assuming, this round did not end well.
Having a baby has changed something within me. Everything I do matters more, while everything outside of my baby girl matters less. I have grown, sustained, and birthed human life... and while it's easy for people to say, "everyone does it, it's not that big of a deal", all of the moms out there know that it actually is a huge deal. A life-changing event that forces change in how you view almost everything. For me, this was hard to adjust to at first. I could not wait to feel like myself again. Then I finally came to grips with the fact that I won't be myself again, and that is actually a good thing. Pouring myself out for my daughter and husband everyday actually fills me back up. Experiencing the pain and anxiety I went through to bring her into this world makes me feel like I can literally handle anything now.
As a teenager, I would often be told that I had such a great swing and I could play for a big D1 school or be on tour. "You are the only one standing in your way." This was confusing for me when I was younger because I just did not think I was good enough to do any of that, and to be honest, I didn't know if I even wanted to. This made me feel like I needed to be better, but I had no belief that I could be better. So golf was something I enjoyed, but I put so much pressure on myself that it kept me from making much of an improvement.
After I graduated from college in 2019, I moved to Charleston and took a long break from golf. I would hit balls on occasion and play with friends/family, but I did not practice, compete, or take it seriously at all. When the pressure was removed, I realized that golf actually is pretty fun! When I met my husband, he had been working hard on his golf game and I loved going to watch him compete. This made me start wanting to compete as well and just see how good I can be.
Between planning a wedding, moving, changing jobs, getting pregnant, having a baby, and recovering postpartum over the last 3 years, I haven't had that much time to put a ton of effort into getting better on the golf course, but I have put a ton of effort into improving my mindset.
The old me put pressure and beat myself up. The new me takes each shot as it comes and focuses on staying present, positive, and confident. When I tee off, my goal is no longer focused on a score, but a process. Stay calm, commit to the shot, and accept the outcome.
This mindset had me 2 under par through 11 holes. When I teed off on 12, some pressure crept back in..."don't screw it up".... I hooked my drive almost into the trees and bogeyed the hole. My husband reminded me to stay focused on the process.
"I'm still one under. I'm playing great. One shot at a time" I told myself. I made two good pars on 13 and 14. A decent drive on 15, and this is where it went downhill.
"It's about 185 to the hazard. Hit a 7 iron and you'll be about 100 yards out from the green." Nathan said to me while handing me the club. I picked my target, hit the ball and it shot out of the rough, landed about 20 feet short of the hazard and I could not tell if it rolled in or not. Panic set over me... how did the ball just go that far? What if it is in the water? I have been playing so good and it should not have gone that far! Nathan tried to get me back to being present and calm, but I was loosing my willpower to reign in my thoughts. We found the ball in the rough about 5 feet from the hazard, in the rough, 70 yards from the pin. My wedge went right under the ball and it landed short of the green and I did not make up and down - bogey. I was then even par but feeling frustrated. My emotions started to take over and I flailed my drive on 16 into a fairway bunker 60 yards from the green. Then chunked that into the next fairway bunker 40 yards from the green, then chunked that to 20 yards short of the green. I miraculously chipped it to 15 feet and made the putt to save bogey.... I was frustrated but trying so hard not to be frustrated. Bogey on 17. Drive in the water on 18.
"Why can't I finish a round? I always do this. When I have a good round going or am under par, I screw it up at the end." I said to Nathan as we walked towards the water to take my drop. It's embarrassing now to admit that is the way I was talking.. "I will not listen to you say stuff like that. This just reinforces the belief, and it isn't true. We can still par this hole, at worst bogey, and you'll have a great round. Stop beating yourself up. Is that how you would want Sadie to act?" he said back to me.
Sadie. What do I want for her? I want her to be full of grace and joy. I want her to be patient with herself and find a way to fight and see the good even when things don't go her way. To stay confident and positive, even when her emotions want her to do the opposite. To trust in herself when placed under pressure. So that's how I need to be too. The truth hurts sometimes.
I smiled and admitted he was right as I realized I would be, and have said, the same things to him when he is the one being negative.
It's crazy how you can play 14 holes almost perfectly, then barely escape with bogeys on the last 4. It's crazy how fast the thoughts rush in and literally change the way you feel, and therefore, the way you play. As much as I would have loved to turn in a 70, 71, 72, or even 73, I didn't, but it doesn't mean I can't. And that is the lesson I am so glad I got to learn yesterday. Your thoughts will shape your emotions and your emotions will shape your actions. Thoughts on the golf course are pretty habitual. So if you can get in the habit of controlling your thoughts and emotions off the course, it will be much easier on the course. I have improved tremendously in this area, which is how I even turned in the 75 yesterday, but there is a lot of work to be done if I want to compete on this level in 2 months.
Honestly, I want to win. For the first time in my life, I want to win. I always thought I wasn't competitive.. but that's not really the case. I just didn't like the way I allowed myself to respond when put in the position to compete. Now, I love it. I want to do it. However, I know that having a belief that you can win is necessary and different than having a goal of winning. A goal of winning is results based, and we have no control over the result, only our process. So, for the next 5 weeks I will be practicing not only my golf game, but my mental game so that I am prepared for the nerves that are bound to come.
Let me know some of your favorite short game drills and mental coaches to listen to as I prepare to play my best golf next month at the U.S. Women's Mid-Am in California!
